So life has been rather hectic of late, we are approaching year-end and in my field of work that truly is a crazy busy time of the year.

Add to that a fibro flare and you will understand the anxiety pain and frustration once again circling through my life. I have never been one to question the "why" but rather I chose to just live one day at a time in the hope that God will use my life to enrich others lives in some small way. Whether it be here on the blog, in the day to day outliving of my life or simply the echo in my brain - that all is not in vain.

Moving through pain, frustration, and depression

So it is these revelations of meaning and purpose that are once again challenging me.  Especially as I sit here in agony, feeling depressed and defeated and all because of an invisible illness. Frustrated because no man can see past my physical appearance to a heart which yearns to be loved, and discouraged at my inability to save and travel. I guess one could say I feel unlovable and inadequate... how sad is that?

You see life is a series of interconnected events, you never know the outcome thanks to the myriad of variables and choices we make on a daily basis. So why is it that we so desperately cling to a dream long forgotten "faded dreams"? Why don't we refresh our view on life regularly ... recalculate and move forward? I suppose it's because sometimes the familiar is far easier than trusting in a future and a hope we cannot see. Today I am reminded that God gives us a hope and that only we can choose to let it go because of circumstance (and spite ourselves) ... or recalculate despite circumstance and hold fast onto His promises!

I have been watching a series called Perception which quoted "The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." What do you see?

My mind's eye

I recently realised that I still see distrust, hurt and betrayal in every man that crosses my path. How then can I ever imagine meeting that someone special? How then can I ever learn to love myself - fat or thin? The truth is I don't know, I can only cling to Jesus and His promises in my life. He is my rock and I know I can't do this in my strength. Heck, I don't even like myself most days ... Truly, I thank God for grace.

I know that I will not give up on my dream of a husband, travel and my own business. My dream of a pain-free day, and of being my goal weight. My dream of loving and accepting myself unconditionally.

I know we all go through daily struggles and thank you for listening to mine. For you my friends I wish love, hope, dreams, and happiness. Let's keep up the good fight and trust in Him always.